I'm not going to have one of those posts where I apologize for not journaling. Everything has just been a little crazy and being totally manic has not helped at all.

But anyway.

( my life in pictures )

Decorated my room.


Went to Milwaukee.

Hung out with Ivy and Sarah.

What better way to decide than forcing my fl to decide for me? BTW, I apologize for not commenting, etc. I've been in a slump and I'm a bit too manic to sit down and write. Really need to get my head in order.

Poll #1818080 Pick My Next Username
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 5

Pick your favorite for my next username!

I scanned some of my loose journal pages to try out my new printer/scanner (it is awesome. I printed out a calendar and OMG, the ink! the ink! So much better than my cheap other ones.) and posted them on flickr. For lack of a better, more text-y LJ update, I'm posting them behind a cut.

( The Pictures )

Love. Because I never want to be one of those women like my mother who will suffer anything for the illusion of love, who pine over love as if it is the key to their happiness. Love is great and beautiful but I don't need it. I've lived 18 1/2 years without it and I can live a great deal more without it.

I'm talking about a romantic love, by the way. If the question is actually about the generalized love then I would have to keep it and cross out family, I think, or maybe friends, I don't know, because without love, you can't have either of those things or at least they won't mean anything to you.

That's my soapbox talk for the day.

  I'm running a test to see who's reading my posts. So, if you read this, leave me a one-word comment about your day that starts with the third letter of your LJ USERNAME. Only one word please. Then repost so I can leave a word for you, if you'd like.  

Yesterday I had a mini tea party breakfast extravaganza with Ivy and Sarah. Basically, Sarah wanted to watch Tales from Earthsea and I had it so I invited them over to watch + have a tea party b/c I'm, you know, like that. Anyway, we ended up going to Oyama's afterwards which is this pretty good hibachi (Japanese grill) place. OMG the steak was so, so, so good. Then we went to Barnes and Noble (which is like our thing now) and I bought a new journal.

It looks like this:


and it's one of the Primo's by Picadilly, who are usually really good.

Now my number of journals totals three. Three. That's so disappointing. I used to have so many journals + a ton of finished journals but my mom's boyfriend through threw all of my stuff away a couple of months ago. It was complete bullshit. Thank God she's apparently "seen the light" and now we have our own place but it's still like, "Well, thanks mother!".

I really want to wwoof somewhere.

And I might start a new journal. I'm starting to get sick of this username and idk, I'd just like a new start on LJ because it seems that everyone I used to be friends with/all the communities I loved have either quit or don't post as much. I used to be really big into all the icon comms because I was a maker but not so much anymore and IDK where to start. Do people even affiliate anymore?

My posts aren't going to be as lengthy/well-written/anything for a while. I'm sort of manic, which makes it hard to write/focus and I need new glasses b/c my old ones got lost so I'm just kind of floating through a haze. Thank God for my ebook reader and computer or else I couldn't read. I've got all the high contrast stuff on and ugh, I just want new glasses! I can't believe I lost my old ones. They were so cute.

Anyway, posts will be sparse/rambly.

Lots and Lots and Lots and Lots has happened since I last posted.

You know, when I think about it, lots and lots and lots ALWAYS happens between my posts. Because, you know, I don't post. EVER.

And so, here is an update of my life between the (2?) weeks that were, uh, 'unposted'. Can you say 'unposted'? Is that a thing? Let's pretend it is.

Anyway!

1. Had a conversation with Tia that was
a)uber awkward b/c I hadn't talked to her in forever
b)uber awkward b/c I am not the best person to talk to over the phone unless I'm talking to Tanatswa. I mean, my best comment is "So...the weather's nice." Why can't I just talk to people like I talk to Tanatswa on the phone? I can say ANYTHING to her. We have two hour long conversations. And yet, with all my other bffs I'm like..."So...what's up?" and it is AWKWARD.
→ SIDENOTE: NEW RESOLUTION: LEARN TO TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
c)uber awkward because she didn't respond to my letter...or like, anything else and I was sort of going, "Well, thanks for ditching me now that you're at the U of I.

And I get why she didn't write back but, at the same time, I don't know, I was just expecting more. But I'm always expecting more and I'm always disappointed so :/

Ivy and I have been hanging out a lot (like usual). I love my Ivy and my Sarah. It's odd to say that I love people but I do. They're my best friends. I mean, Tanatswa will always be one of my best friends and I'm pretty sure Tia will be too, even if I never talk/see her just because we have a history and everything but still, it's nice to have people who are actually HERE in C.R.

Oh and I apologize if I'm writing this, uh, shittily. Like I've said a million times before, I write like I speak and I'm a little bit manic and writing isn't helping. At least I can sort of stop myself when I'm speaking but when I'm typing it's more difficult b/c I've finally gotten to the speed where I can think and type at the SAME TIME. Do you know how hard that is? I'm typing 100 plus words a minute and MY HAND IS KILLING ME. Hand should be hands by the way because, you know, I have, like, TWO.

Also, I need to stop saying things like 'Also', 'Anyway', 'Like', 'you know' and 'uh'. I mean, (another thing I need to stop saying/writing) it's a little insane. Every other sentence has one.

It's probably best to have completely skipped over this entry. I am rambling. In fact, I have nothing to say and I have no idea what I have written. I'm going to go back to reliving my childhood and reading Sailor Moon, which, by the way, is exceeding all expectations and veering into the realm of not-so-guilty-pleasure.

#1: WRITE.
#2: STOP PROCRASTINATING.
#3: BE NICER TO PEOPLE YOU LIKE.
#4. DON'T HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE.
→ EXCEPTION: When It Furthers Your Ambitions.
#5: WORK OUT MORE.
#6: JOURNAL.
#7: GET A'S IN CLASSES!!!
#8: GET A JOB, YOU BUM!!!
#9: RENO. RENO. RENO!!!
#10: GET YOUR LICENSE, YOU DIRTY BUM!!!

I just had a super long conversation with Tanatswa. And it was nice.

She's been having a shit time at college-she went to Christian College and Christian College is BAD. Christian College (or Bethel but whatever...) is full of people who 1) are obsessed with getting married, 2)are exactly like Christina from my Chinese class which is to say that they're self-absorbed, too happy (WHY IS SHE ALWAYS HAPPY? GIRL IS ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING) and hypocritical (esp when it comes to love lives! You do not say that you don't believe in having a bf and then EVERY TIME WE TALK IT'S ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND). They all seem like 'nice' people but they're the kind of nice that you don't really care about and that you don't really want to talk to. Plus they keep walking all over her and treating her differently b/c she's African, which is bitchy and annoying.

Anyway, I sent Tantaswa a letter, which she didn't reply to. Then I came to her BDAY and it seemed like she was mad at me-I thought she was jealous b/c I was having a phenomenal time with Sarah and Ivy and she, uh, wasn't...which is pretty bitchy of her. Ivy was also mad at her b/c she gave her a super expensive gift that was perfect and beautiful and Tantaswa was like "Eh, I could do better." So I thought Tanatswa and I were over b/c she was being a bitch. I admit, I was being a little unfair b/c she was having a horrible time and going through a sort-of depression which I, of all people, should be able to empathize with but she wasn't actually TELLING me any of this. She wasn't talking to me AT ALL.

So then I get a phone call from her out of the blue. We talk and, after a while, I remembered "Whoa, this is my best friend. Why am I so mad at her?" and I think she had the same reaction. I'm pretty sure we were both ready for that phone call to turn bitchy and argumentative but it didn't. And it sort of saved our friendship. So now she's back in CR for winter break and she's planning my graduation party.

I didn't have a graduation party because my whole graduation was incredibly fucked up. I'd rather not get into it because it's like, "But Savanna, I thought you were an AP Scholar..." and then I have to explain that, yes I might be smart but honey, I'm a real idiot sometimes. I've had that conversation WAY too many times. Why does everyone have to tell me "But Savanna, you're so smart..." and then I have to explain NO I AM NOT SMART. I'M KNOWLEDGABLE. MAYBE A BIT SMART BUT DUDES, I MAKE MISTAKES. I AM NOT THE BEST PERSON EVER B/C OF MY GRADES. STOP TELLING ME THAT B/C I'M 'SMART' I CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!!!

Sorry about the ranting and the caps. I get annoyed sometimes.

Anyway, Tantaswa wants to throw me a Very Late Grad Party (She's calling it the Doe Party b/c of something that happened this summer in which I think I saw a God-Given Sign. It was a strange moment.) at the Church. Where else would it be? My house? Puh-lease. EVERYTHING with Tanatswa is done at the Church.

Sometimes I don't understand why such a faithless person like me became best friends with Tanatswa. I don't have enough faith to believe in God but I don't have enough faith to not believe in him. And agnosticism is just bull. I believe that there is a God but I just don't worship him because I don't agree with him. Does that make sense? I've seen too many things happen in my life where it's like, "Uh, God? Was that you?", esp with the deer thing. Basically, I asked for a deer as a sign and then (and this NEVER HAPPENS) a deer wandered in our campsite, looking totally confused, right as we were having our sermon. It was strange b/c the deer NEVER come to the campsites and because they NEVER come towards large groups. It's hard to explain how shocking it was at the time.

ANYWAY, we're having a dinner party. It's going to be very, very fun.

And I'm really happy I had that conversation with Tanatswa earlier and I'm glad I talked to her today. I forgot how much she makes me laugh.